I think i peed on brittanys purse
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i drank out of a bidet.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
