yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
