Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
