he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
