i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I wish you could order shots online.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
