he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
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At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
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By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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