I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
