he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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