You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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