I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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