I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
