Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
