Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
