I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
do herpes really smell.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Let's paint friendship bongs
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
