Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
