Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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