two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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