shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
