i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
