so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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