if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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