Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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