my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
