sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
The Olympian is in my bed
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
