M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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