if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
