bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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