I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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