so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
