we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
