Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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