Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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