I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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