I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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