saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
