I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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