my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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