So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
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Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
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Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
did i just pee glitter
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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