I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
