I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I want a musical about memes.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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