How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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