we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
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all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
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I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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