I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
