I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
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My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
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Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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