What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
