I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
