yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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