ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
