Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
