Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
this will be a night to untag.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
