a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
