jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
