Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
