I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
