I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
