I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
