I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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