Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
whose parrot is this?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
